Australian humour, a few jokes to celebrate the weekend

Who doesn’t love a joke?  Even a bad joke that makes you groan at its obviousness and lack of thought will still bring a smirk to the sourest of faces.  So, to celebrate the weekend, read some of this Australian wit.

  • What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?  A stick.
  • Why do momma kangaroos hate when it rains?  Their joeys have to play inside.
  • What animal can jump higher than the Sydney Harbour Bridge?  All of them, bridges can’t jump.
  • How do you stop a wild dingo from charging you?  Take away his credit card.
  • Why did the crocodile cross the road?  He was following the chicken.
  • Why did the emu cross the road?  To prove he wasn’t chicken.
  • What do you call a platypus trapped under a rock?  A flatypus.
  • How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?  16. One to change the bulb and 15 to say “Good on yer, mate!”
  • What do you call a bunch of Barbies standing in a row?  A Bar B Queue.

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large”.

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, ” We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows”.

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, “And what are those”?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas”?

Tips to Surviving Australia

  • Don’t ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever. We mean it.
  • Air-conditioning.
  • Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained linguist and good in a fistfight.
  • Thick socks.
  • Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby.
  • If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die.
  • Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.

A Kiwi was hoping to immigrate to Australia. Upon arriving in Australia, he was questioned by a customs officer, “What is your business in Australia?”

“I wish to immigrate,” was the Kiwi’s reply.

The customs officer then asked, “Do you have a conviction record?”

Confused, the Kiwi then replied, “I didn’t think you still needed one.”

Hope you enjoyed this uplifting post to top off the end of the work week.  Feel free to share any Aussie jokes you may know!

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